Life Lessons
by Medie Shanachie
Summary: Eliot decides his teammates need some lessons.
1. Lesson One

**Characters:** Eliot Spencer, Alec Hardison, Parker, mention of the other team members

**Rating:** PG-13 for swearing

**Warnings:** Don't piss Eliot off.

**Spoilers:** minor ones for The Miracle Job, can't think of any others at the moment

**Disclaimer:** *sigh* Nope I didn't win them in the lottery so only Robert and Laurie belong to me and even they don't really.

**Author's Note:** So we were watching The Stork Job the other day in **the_rewatch_job** and I got to thinking that Parker could handle herself pretty well (in a fight, people) and it just (to me anyway) didn't seem like something she would have known before. Parker was all for the sneaking around thing. And Hardison in The Miracle Job was for sure not a big on the beating people up thing. Then I thought about how Eliot might feel a little protective of his younger teammates. So this story came about. I thought I was going to finish tonight, but well...I have a damn migraine again...and I'm going to go to bed soon, but I wanted to share the beginning first. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to finish this one and the other one y'all have been hanging on for all week. Special thanks to **serenelystrange** for her help with the title and some of the banter towards the end. Oh and Robert and Laurie are very much based (including the names which I didn't change) on my cousin and his girlfriend. Robert gave me a similar lesson when I first moved to the city cause his little cousin wasn't going to live somewhere she couldn't protect herself. I love ya, cuz! (Just in case for any strange reason he sees this!)

* * *

"Okay, so that's about it," Nate said as he realized he was rapidly losing the three younger members of the team. Even Sophie was beginning to look antsy. "We don't have anything scheduled for the next few days, but leave your phones accessible in case something comes up."

They all started to scatter, when Eliot suddenly said, "I'll pick you and Parker up at eight tomorrow morning, Hardison."

The computer expert stopped halfway to the door. "Whoa. Wait. What? No. You ain't picking me up for nothing."

Eliot glared at Hardison. "I _will_ be picking you up tomorrow or you'll be spending the next three days with me. I learned your Photoshop thingy, now you're gonna learn how to take care of yourself until I can get to you." When Hardison quailed in the face of his conviction, he added, "And ya won't be staying up till all hours cuz if I have to drag ya outta bed tomorrow I'm gonna be harder on you."

Hardison turned to the blonde who had watched the entire conversation silently. "Why aren't you protesting this?"

"Sounds like fun," Parker replied with a shrug.

"You are _not_ normal," Hardison answered, using Eliot's favorite phrase. "It 'sounds like fun' to let him beat us up?"

"He's not gonna beat us up," Parker answered. "He's gonna show us how to beat other people up." With those words, she skipped out of the room.

"Eight AM, Hardison," Eliot reminded him before also exiting.

Hardison turned to Nate. "Why aren't you stopping him?"

Nate looked up from the folder he had been reading. "I think it's a good idea. Make sure you get a decent amount of sleep." Tapping the papers together, he left the hacker alone.

"Why does everyone think that letting the meathead beat up on me is a good idea?" Hardison asked the empty room.

* * * * * * * * * *

Eliot picked Parker up first in the morning, knowing she would be ready and waiting for him before driving across town to retrieve Hardison. When he got out of the car, he pointed at Parker. "Leave my car alone. No hot-wiring, no playing. I'll be right back."

The blonde nodded in response, then held her hands up, showing that they were empty. "No touching," she answered.

At Hardison's door, Eliot pounded on the wood, not surprised when the hacker wasn't waiting. He backed up after a moment and glanced around, noticing there wasn't a way to see into the apartment from the hallway. "Great," he muttered.

"I can get you in," Parker said from behind him.

Eliot restrained himself from jumping, but only just. He hadn't been expecting her to sneak up, although he should have. "Parker," he growled.

She knelt down in front of the door and a moment later was twisting the knob. "He's probably still sleeping," she pointed out.

"Yeah, I know," Eliot replied. Pushing the door the rest of the way open, he stepped inside, calling out, "Hardison, I said be ready."

"I was just finishing breakfast," Hardison responded, wandering out into the main area from the kitchen. He had a burrito in his hand.

Eliot winced. "_That_ is not breakfast." He looked the other man over and added, "And you can't work out in that. The t-shirt's fine, but go put on a pair of sweat pants or something. Five minutes."

It was more like ten minutes later, but Eliot finally had both of them bundled into his Rubicon. He slapped Parker's hand away from the radio dial as they pulled into traffic. "No," he reminded her.

"Country is evil," she told him seriously.

"Driver chooses," he replied just as seriously.

"Ya mean I have to be beaten to a pulp and subjected to _country_? I so don't think so," Hardison asked from the backseat. Still grumbling, he pulled his ear buds from his pocket and stuck them in his ears.

The argument between the thief and retrieval specialist continued on the drive across town with Eliot finally relenting on the condition that she pick either a classic or current rock station. There was no way he was subjecting his ears to anything else. Parker happily bounced along to the station she picked with Eliot shaking his head, but at least he could understand the words. Besides it wasn't long after that that he was pulling into the parking lot of the gym.

Hardison pulled his ear buds out and looked the gym over. "So why this place? It looks kinda...swank for you."

Eliot grabbed his bag from the rear of the Jeep and motioned for the two of them to move. "Looks can be deceiving." He led the way into the building, used to the open windows and welcoming atmosphere. Pushing the door open, he ignored the chimes and strode towards the desk, raising his hand in greeting. "Hey, Robert," he called.

"Eliot!" the man returned the greeting. "Didn't know you were back in town."

"Got back a coupla days ago." Eliot dropped his bag and reached for the clipboard Robert held out to him. He flipped through the papers, nodding. "Can you get me two rolling memberships? Tag them on my account."

"No problem." Robert nodded at the two who were behind Eliot, trying not to look shifty or out of place. "For them?"

"Yeah. Is Laurie around?" Eliot asked after Robert's common law wife.

"Nope. She went down to the airport to pick Brenna up." Robert finished with what he was doing. "Anything wrong?"

Eliot smiled easily. "Nope. Just wanted to make sure my friend, Sophie, had seen her."

"Dark hair? About your height? Real knock out?" Robert responded.

"Yeah, that sounds like her," Eliot confirmed.

"Yup. She was in a couple of days ago. Sat down with Laur and went through a whole thing on yoga. Bought a whole slew of stuff for doing it. Said she'd be back in a few days for a lesson."

"Good. I just wanted to make sure she came in." Eliot finished with the paperwork Robert had given him. "Everything looks good. Mr. Kane'll be happy with the progress." He handed it back after scrawling a signature on the forms. "The back room open?"

Robert swiped two keycards and handed them to Eliot in exchange. "And, yeah, it's too early for anyone to be in that gym."

"Mark it 'do not enter' then. We're gonna use it."

"All righty." Robert nodded. "You're good to go. Hey, where's your bike?"

Eliot jerked a thumb at the two with him and then grabbed Parker who had started to wander off. "I had these two. The bike only holds two."

"Well, don't forget my offer," Robert said.

"You'll be the first one I call," Eliot answered. Towing Parker by her arm and jerking his head at Hardison, he led the way towards the room he had requested.

"What was that all about?" Hardison asked as he watched Eliot swipe the keycards in the reader; activating them.

"Robert's been offering to buy my Ducati for months and I keep turning him down," Eliot answered.

"It's a pretty bike," Parker added.

"And it better stay where I keep it, Parker."

She shook her head. "I don't know how to ride it, but you'll take me for a ride sometime."

Eliot nodded even though it wasn't really a question. "Yeah, but not today. Today you two learn how to protect your asses."

"Yeah. Why is that?" Hardison wanted to know as he looked around the spare room. Most of the floor was covered in mats and there was a heavy bag in one corner. Other than that there was a rack of barbells and not much else.

Eliot dropped his duffel on the bench that was against one wall. "Because I might not always be there or be able to get there right away to drag you out of trouble. This way maybe you can do something a little proactive or when you go along with me, you can do something more than fight the injured."

"Hey. Hey. Hey. I did a good job taking that guy out!" Hardison protested.

Eliot rolled his eyes. "Because he was _injured_. I'm gonna make sure you can take care of yourself if it's someone who's not injured."

"So why aren't Nate and Sophie getting the benefit of your expertise?"

Eliot's eyes cut to Parker, making sure she wasn't getting into trouble, before he answered, "Sophie is just too refined for most people to pick on. Besides I bought her here the other day to give her some tips and she knows some dirty tricks. And not Nate, because Nate carries that damn riot stick of his and isn't in the thick of things. Most of the time, Nate's just a voice in our ears."

Hardison made a motion that took the three of them in before grinning. "So does that make Nate Charlie? You and Parker sure have the hair for it."

"I am _not_ a girl, Hardison. Or an angel, by any stretch of the imagination. Not even a Supernatural angel."

Parker had wandered back over to them. "Nah, he'd more likely be that guy who learned the karate from the old guy from Japan."

Eliot already felt like tearing his hair out and he hadn't even started teaching them yet. He used to have a lot of patience...before he met Parker and Hardison. "I am _not_ the Karate Kid, Parker!"

Hardsion laughed and took a stance he must have thought was appropriate. "Ha. Yeah. Wax on. Wax off. Wax on. Wax off."

"That shit doesn't really work, Hardison. Now knock it off and be serious."

Hardison began bouncing up and down. "No. No. No. I've got it." He straightened up. "He's all badass and..." He made a sound that he must have intended to be threatening. "He'd be all 'Eliot, I am your father.'"

Rushing the hacker suddenly, Eliot caught him under his arm pits and shoved him up against the wall, pressing him until he was pinned. "Shut up," he growled.

Hardison chuckled uneasily, seeing a side of his friend he hadn't ever been faced with before. "Hey, man, I was just, like, joking around. I didn't mean to like piss you off or anything."

"Don't. Fuck. With. Me," Eliot ground out. "What are you gonna do now? Talkin' ain't gonna get you free."

"I. I. I." Hardison stuttered, faced with something out of his worst nightmares. He didn't think Eliot would really hurt him, but the man facing him wasn't the man he joked with or watched football with.

"This is what you would do if it wasn't me holding you up like this," Eliot directed. "You'd bring your knee up sharply and try to get the guy in the balls. Bring your hands up, if they're free, and try to gouge out the eyes. Fight dirty, Hardison, and then run." Releasing him, he stepped away. "You okay?"

"Hell, no, I am _not_ okay! What the hell were you doing?!" Hardison rubbed under his arms reflexively, although he now realized Eliot hadn't really hurt him. "Man has more control over his muscles than he should," he muttered.

"Lesson number one," Eliot said and turned to include Parker in this statement. The young thief wandered back over to where the two men were standing at odds to each other. "Lesson number one," he repeated, "is run. If you can run at all, do so. Run to me if I'm prepared to protect you or just run away."


	2. Chapter 2

All right I have been getting a lot of alerts for things on here, which I am assuming means people are not taking a look at my profile. Completely understandable, but I feel kinda bad that y'all are alerting things and never going to get an update for them…sorry, but I'm not posting on here anymore. Mostly because my multiple personalities are taking over my brain and making it difficult for me to keep track of things.

The main reason this account is still active is I have friends who post on here and I like to be able to comment to them when they post something new or help them out with things. Sooo with that in mind, I'm copying what I posted in my profile and posting it in each of the unfinished stories:

Okay so my multiple identities are now taking over my brains and I am not sure who I am or where I'm going. Joke! But I am trying to get all my writing condensed down into two accounts. With that in mind...I will not longer be posting here. Nothing new is going to go up here or will be finished here. If something is incomplete, it will either not be finished or it will be moved over to my livejournal account. I'm not going to take anything down, but I am not going to be adding to anything either.

If you would like to find me on the web from now on:

my **fanfiction** will be on live journal under the name shanachie_quill at http: /shanachie-quill .livejournal .com/

my **original fiction** continues to be on under the name medievalgirl at **http:/ www. writing. com / authors/ medievalgirl**

Copy and paste the websites to use them and remove the spaces (sorry refuses to let people post URLs that are not internal).

With that in mind, I also want to let people who have been asking know what of my incomplete work will or will not be finished or what I hope to finish. So of the following stories...here is what I am hoping/planning.

**Life Lessons**-I intend to finish this (although I'm not sure when)

**School Days**-I do not intend to finish this

**Not What He Wanted**—At this point in time I'm not planning to finish it, that doesn't mean I won't, but I'm not going to work on it at this moment—I screwed up the back story and I need to fix it

**Past Revealed**—At this point in time I'm not planning to finish it, that doesn't mean I won't, but I'm not going to work on it at this moment—I screwed up the back story and I need to fix it

**SGA2 Saves the World**-I'd like to finish this, but I've kinda lost my SGA muse...so if I can find him again...I shall

**The Handbook to InterAgency Co-Operation**—I'm considering emailing my co-author and seeing if I can just plow through the last couple of chapters and finishing it…I'll get back to y'all on this

**Through the Looking Glass**-This is not going to be finished at this time

**Playing with Fire**—At this point in time I'm not planning to finish it, that doesn't mean I won't, but I'm not going to work on it at this moment—I screwed up the back story and I need to fix it

Okay so not as many as I feared, but more than I thought...if that made any sort of sense. Hope to see y'all over at one of my other identities. I won't be closing this account because I do have friends that write on here and I'd like to be able to leave them reviews and such...but like I said I won't be posting here anymore.

I think that's everything, if you have any specific questions feel free to PM me.


End file.
